Musings on Motherhood

Today felt different, harder. My toddler woke at 5:40am. No difference there. I'm becoming better at greeting the world before the sun does. 

It still took us two and a half hours to get him to daycare. Why? I have an unspoken rule that I’ll never say no when he brings me a book to read. He chooses a favourite, offers it to me and takes up his position, always in the nook of my lap, on the kitchen floor, bathroom tiles, in the hallway... wherever we are. I read with passion, asking "Can you see the cat? The mouse? The detective dog?". These are the most joyful parts of my day. Memories to hold on to with every cell of my being. They get me through the hard parts of motherhood. The unseen ones.

Like today, as I struggle with comparison. Other mothers have been back at work since their babies were 10 months, 1 year... meanwhile 15 months in, I'm still in limbo. Trying to navigate freelance life to bring flexibility to my other new role as mother. Fading, failing, not feeling confident enough to push myself out there. And not even sure if this is what the current version of me actually wants? Can't we just run away to a cabin and read books forever?

I smile at the thought and move on. Benches to clear, admin to sort, clients to find. I'll pick him up from daycare soon, the clock is ticking. Maybe if I forgot about the clock (in the general sense, he still needs picking up at 4!) then life would feel easier. I'd remember that there is time for everything, even when you're running on only four hours of sleep and feel out of sync with yourself and the world.

My Nana Freda used to say “Que Sera Sera” — whatever will be, will be. She's not Italian, just a fan of Doris Day. But I think she actually believed it. I don't think it's the most inspiring phrase, but I get the sentiment.

So today, on a day that feels extra hard, I'll whisper que sera sera.